Month: May 2013

Kenyan Women on Twitter

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I will refer to them as #KWOT. Sounds cool doesn’t it?

Having been on twitter for a while, not so long – but long enough, I have managed to silently observe what people get to down there.  I have hesitantly delved into the murky twitter waters with a tweet here and there. I have enjoyed a few mentions on a good day and a couple of measly retweets once in a while.

I have also made an interesting observation that explains why I fail so dismally when it comes to gaining followers, and ass-lickers to boot.

I asked myself; what was it that I was doing wrong? Why am I not dining with the kings and queens of twitter? Make no mistake, there are kings and queens in these streets who, while perched atop their thrones, have their inflated egos stroked every single day. They could even insult you and all they’ll get are a myriad mentions and retweets, ergo more popularity. I don’t insult people and look where that has got me! So what gives?

If you are a celebrity, your celebrity status stands you in good stead. It will propel you to thousands of instant ‘followership’ (if there’s such a word). A scandal or tweef once in a while wouldn’t do you any harm.

HOWEVER, if you are not a celebrity, you are just a kawa, unknown mama who leads a mundane life behind the social media blinds, you might not enjoy the same popularity. That is where I come in.

If you are itching to gain many followers overnight, if you are desperate for approval from asinine mortals, then here is how to do it;

  1. You must first and foremost accept to be defined by the number of followers you command- they will henceforth validate you. You think you’re smart? Oh let’s see, how many followers do you have on twitter? The mantra is, if you have an insignificant number of followers, you are about as irrelevant as Mean Girls 2
  2. You will cease to exist on twitter until you follow the kings and queens. You don’t follow the King?  What, have you been living under a rock? Good on ya if you follow him.  A-ha! Does he follow you though? Has he ever retweeted any of your tweets or mentioned you in his? In fact, how many mentions and retweets do you get on average in a day? Not much?
  3. Take a picture of your pretty face and put it up as your avatar. Make sure you are light skinned (I will let you know why in a moment) and if you have a dark complexion and cannot afford bleaching creams or plastic surgery, get a picture of a light skinned mama and pass it off as yours. Who will know?
  4. Your perception of beauty should change as soon as you sign up on twitter. Forget the notion that black is beautiful (in twitter world? Whoever lied to you poor thing!), rubbish the idea that ‘beauty is skin-deep’ (what lame ass individual came up with that!) Here, a woman’s beauty is directly proportional to her skin complexion. Dark=Ugly, Yellowyellow = Beautiful. Period.                                                                                                                                                            NB: Should you choose to ignore rule no. 4 and put up a picture of your true, dark-skinned, healthy (read fat) self, you will be branded ugly and a TT will be created in your honor. Be prepared for this because you will be torn apart by vultures whose vulgarities will hit you from all corners. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
  5. After teasing them with your beautiful face for a few weeks, replace it with a picture of your over-exposed cleavage, well endowed behind or any other assets you deem necessary. The response will be swift, but if this does not elicit enough response, go the whole nine yards. Don’t be shy, pose nude beautiful. Let the guys see what they’re working with here.                                One word – Jackpot!

In a nutshell, portray yourself as a sleaze, cheaper than a hot dog with no mustard. Fail to do any or all of the above and you will have to be content with watching your followers grow at a snail’s pace. Which by the way, is as interesting as watching a copy of windows download – I should know.

Go get ‘em ladies! Me, I’ll stick to my lane. Like a good teacher, I will sit back and watch with pride as you excel. When it comes to twitter, I’m perfectly fine with being irrelevant.

Now scoot.

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